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| sayonara |
| 06.26.04 (12:14 pm) [edit] |
oh wells. i believe theres always a time to say goodbye... and i guess this is it. good or bad, something and most things will have to end someday and somewhere. and when this happens, there isnt any reason for it really. and i guess im leaving. sigh. its hard though. ive been here for a really long time... i think for almost a year. this is or was where all my good and bad memories are. and its kinda hard to leave.
but i guess it has to end... and probably nows the time to do so. i will always remember this place... a place where i would pour out my heart and soul to. however its a time for change. im moving...
i will come back to visit just as before. im gonna miss it here so much
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| love |
| 06.25.04 (1:40 am) [edit] |
what is love? this is something that i have learnt so much from, and yet not able to understand fully. there are so many types of love. love for your family, love for you friends, love for pets, love for things you like to do, love for your other half. i guess there are still much more than these, but i can only think of them as for now.
one of my friends once stated that i'm a lovelorn closet, whatever it really means. well, but she defined it as being in love with love.
being in love with love. to love and to be loved for the sake of love is only human. love goes two ways, it takes two hands to clap. otherwise, it will only be unrequitted love. how strange that some things start with unrequitted love, which then becomes love for both sides. is it luck then? and for others, still only remains as a person's love for another.
to put simply, love starts off as interest in a thing or person. then becomes a crush and slowly progresses to love for him or her. everything seems so interesting and great about the person, that it almost makes the person perfect, and flawless. and even when you find fault with the other, you pass it off, and think you can make him or her a better person. is that why they call love blind? maybe. it just makes you see through everything a person is. especially during first love, puppy love.
but feelings don't last, or at least they seem not to. this is the very part i'm confused about. how can feelings for a person be so strong, and yet dwindle to nothing. then all you can see at the end of it are just the person's faults and flaws. the very things that make him seem so cute and lovable become the very things that irritate you so much. all the endless arguments about nothing, and the unhappiness both of you cause each other to feel. like an eye for an eye
even if the feelings you feel for another doesn't seem to change, like deep down may still remain. however, its all different for the other. its weird. you proclaim your love for someone, and yet all of a sudden that someone tells you that he or she don't feel the same any longer after everything you've been through together. he chose to give up.
something happened the other night, and it really made me think about alot of things that have happened in the past. it made me relive all that i have been through. and these are the things that i have tried to ignore and put aside. and that very night, i relived the pain, joy, tears, smiles and laughter. i think, i thought.
and they, these memories still stay. vivid images going through my mind, words exchanged, they are so hard to just forget.
whatever i heard that night, made me think about the times that i did the very same thing. the very same things said to each other. the only thing thats different is that we were much younger and probably more passive. the thing that is not the same is time. maybe we were still naive and didn't know what much more to do. maybe we thought we could have braved through much more. time... is it all over for us?
the thing girls hate is for guys to escape.
i got asked a question. after all two people have been through, the highs and the lows, one chooses to run away. yes, i guess its true. what can you do when you escape from it. and if one stays, don't you think more problems may be solved? or probably you love him or her enough to stick by through thick and thin. the answer is yes, quitters are not smiled upon.
on the other hand, how is it ever possible for one to cheer the other on forever. feelings do change. how so, im not sure. if something so strong and you thought would last, will ever become weak. so much so that it makes one fumble and fall. but who ever said it was easy
it either makes or break someone. it, love. when you are so full of love, there's nothing in the world that would break you, not even nasty words. because you would know there is always someone who would be there for you. love, it changes you. i never knew it had such power over someone, cos when love comes, you can't do much to resist it, no matter how hard you try. we are only human. it changes how you perceive things, it alters your thinking. everything just seems to be a nice walk in the park. everyday is a fine sunny day. you think about the person regardless where you are and what you are doing. it takes over you.
after love's gone, you then realize there's not much left of anything. because love was all you've got. and without it, you are nothing. by saying that, there are still love for others, not just one. but it still makes you feel that you're left with a huge empty hole in your heart. everyday's a rainy day. the whole world seems to be in a turmoil. just because that was someone whom has become such an important part of you. something that fitted so well with you... and you can never imagine you would find it back again
love's existence for one before, is now gone, or its what one would like to think of as. tears and pain, in addition, probably anger replace the feeling of love. yet, love is only a feeling. its weird how a single feeling can make one feel so much, and make decisions with. are you one who lets your heart or head rule? its so apt. naturally i would like to think i'm a "i use my brain to make decisions and not let the heart rule myself". or at least i try to, but hey, who am i trying to kid. self-denial. i think thats what love has made me turn out to become.
its quite clear that the matters of the heart are not resolved yet. drifting away...
its so apparent to you, and you. both of you. do you know who you are? and probably to some others. but to me, its all in a mess. maybe i screwed up somewhere alone the line, and i've been lost eversince. i guess its still a long way out. but i chose not to escape. maybe i did, i tried. knowing me, as stubborn as i am, i do not like to quit. i do not like to say, "never" to anything, unless i really have no other choice. even then, i would try not to head towards there. but how could you convince the other... if someone who has already made up their minds on giving up and refuse to change their decision. they have chosen to run away, and they are as headstrong as you are. how?
or to me at least, is to just put things aside and ignore whatever you feel. letting your head rule the heart. why? i really dont understand.
does that make you seem more diplomatic
i dont think so. BALLS! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?!
i am so frustrated. a nice walk in the park. dreams about you and me, all happy and in smiles. its such a nice feeling... love's only a feeling. you were the one thing i looked forward to. once upon a time. and theres so much more... part of me and you, is this chapter of us. you chose to end it, but what about me?
even then, seeing someone in love is such a nice feeling. i sincerely wish them all the best, i guess its a new chapter of their lives.
in a way, my friend there is correct. im in love with love itself. i dream too much, but i'm only human.
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| back home |
| 06.24.04 (11:24 am) [edit] |
my first day back in singapore. not really, its yesterday. some shit happened at the airport but too lazy to type it out here. let's just say i almost got stuck in australia this winter. guess i was unlucky and lucky at the same time. mmm sounds ironic.
the trip to brisbane was good. ahh. if only i could have stayed for a while longer. its got a kinda different feel to it. more peaceful, people are friendlier. on the whole, a really nice place to retire in. but really troublesome without a car, cos places there are quite inaccessible if its further away from the city. city's smaller than the city in melbourne, but the stuff they've got there are the same. due to my short stay there, i only got to go to a few places such as mount kuta, south bank, chinatown (which is at the other side of the city, well not really) mmm and around the city, university of queensland. uq is damn nice. omg, going there makes me feel like studying in uq. really nice environment, and its really huge, compared to melbourne uni. by the way, i took a ferry down to uq. its just by the river.
bren rented a car, so all's good. drove around all day heh. up and down this same street haha. so much so that he got sick of it, but i've forgotten what the name of the street is. heh. i think i'm becoming amnesic, seriously. southbank's a really nice place. man-made beach with chlorinated water. ahh. its pretty warm during the day, and there were people suntanning there with their bikinis and stuff. how cool is that. and its winter... imagine doing that in melbourne.
i arrived at night on monday, bren and his friend charlene came to pick me. then we went to pancake parlour! except its not called pancake parlour, but yeah they're the same anyway. after that went back to bren's place. so crammed and messy. haha. oh wells. pumped up the airbed and the pump was really noisy. sounded like we were using the chainsaw hahaha. and it was done like 2am... still really noisy after using the quilt and pillow to stifle the sounds. haha. ahh nvm. didn't really have much of a sleep. cos we had to shift the car at 7am. well, bren shifted it but i got woken up when he woke up. ahhh... probably only had around 3 hours of sleep. maybe lesser. the bed was just beside the window, so it was damn cold! 19th floor. heh. especially cold in the morning... whoa.
slept till later and met charlene in the city. walked around and went southbank. walked across the bridge... hmmm there are a few bridges around. the river's really long. its something like docklands in melbourne. new, nice looking apartments with expensive shops and restaurants downstairs. oh yeah and i mentioned before, with the man-made beach and everything. walked around, with nice weather and all. charlene's really nice too. sat at some coffee place and had some drinks and chatted. after that went down to uq by ferry! how cool is that. they even have different zones and all.
ahh real nice. walked around uq, and charlene showed me this huge lake with all the geese and ducks. hehe. she also told me about the trees which will turn purple during mmm spring. ahh nice scenery. uq's really big as well. wow. i like it alot. waited for bren and the other two guys who are also on attachment, peter and gary. then went to rent some dvds during late afternoon hehe. at night, had dinner then desert!!! yummy. and off we went to mount kuta. really scary cos there werent any lights. so its just the car's headlights and pure darkness infront and behind the car. whoa. so freaking cold up there! but nice scenery. can see the whole of brisbane from up there. together with all the lights and stuff. mmm my cam couldn't catch that, hopefully gary's could. yeah think it can. maybe get the pics from him.
then we went over to charlene's. actually didn't intend on staying overnight, just to watch dvds, but everyone's pretty zonked out by then. bren just fell asleep on the floor... haha. yeah... didn't sleep much with all the car shifting and stuff. the rest of us just sat around and chatted away. somehow the heater just makes people feel real sleepy. yeah... had much fun in brissy. could have gone down to gold coast, byron bay and stuff if i've stayed longer... wouldn't mind if i could have gotten a later ticket back to singapore. ahh... how sad. maybe next time round. really had a good time driving around and stuff, well not really driving, cos i didn't drive. haha.
maybe during this coming summer! i so wanna go sky diving... ahhhh... at byron bay. bah. soon soon.
each time i come back home with different types of feelings. this time round, i'm not really sure. like you know, you always feel at least some type of feeling when you're heading towards somewhere, like happy, looking forward to, or not looking forward to. maybe i'm mediating between the two. i don't really know either. i used to look forward to coming back, like really very much. maybe back then there was something to look forward to. well, by saying that, i don't mean that i'm not happy to be back this time. somehow its just different. things have really changed. by the way, i'm melting... fuck this heat. argh. its irritating. so freaking hot. bah.
oh wells, apologies for this really messy entry. seem to jump here and there in describing stuff, but i'm tired. heh. maybe i'm going to sleep... yeah i think so. i'm reading marilyn manson's book now. as in biography. so far, seems pretty good, like somewhat opens your eyes to certain things. yeah... probably continue later...
going to sleep... sleeeeeeppppppyyyyyy... good nights
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| just ranting |
| 06.20.04 (8:53 am) [edit] |
its almost 3 am... basket. i'm only still at lecture 3 for the last part of behavioural neuroscience. i still have about 5 more lectures to go? and so far, i can't really remember much of what i've read. dang. the exam's at 2pm. god bless me. i packed abit... oh for those who don't know, i'll be jetting off to brisbane tomorrow evening. i will be there till the 23rd evening, coming back to melbourne first, then catching another flight back to singapore at 12.50am. i think i'll be very busy flying here and there. heh.
shit. i still have more packing to do. so much rubbish to study. and washing up the plates and stuff. argh. curses. i've been stuffing myself with so much junk for the past month? exams make me fat. bah. so don't be surprised if you see a ball rolling back home.
and... my biological clock is so messed up. i sleep at 6am and wake up at 3pm. i read somewhere in my textbook... its not healthy to do this. and the rats they did this experiment on... that is depriving them of sleep, tend to eat alot in the wee hours of the morning and guess what... they die prematurely. and they eat cabohydrates... which is what i eat too. okay, i eat in the wee hours of the morning, i am very deprived of sleep. i think i'm gonna die prematurely. =(
i hate the exams plenty
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| i cant go on anymore |
| 06.19.04 (9:12 am) [edit] |
"seriously dunno whats your problem all the time." my problem is you. its not as if you or anyone else out there who really care anyway. you dont. each time i converse with you, i wonder where have the old you gone to. where are you? i can still see alot of him in her
things change, people change. nothings ever reliable. thats why i dont trust and put in as much effort as before. or i choose to be indifferent mostly. therefore, i dont venture down too deep in feelings any longer. and even if one pushes me to do so, i only go as far as im forced to. even if i do so willingly and wholeheartedly, would i be appreciated? theres no promise that everything will go sailing smoothly. ones always at the losing end. its always a bet and i choose not to do so. id rather stay indifferent.
too much hurt here, it will never be the same. the cold treatment, giving the cold shoulder. it doesnt work as effectively like before. cold attitudes, cold hearts. its so hollow
whats there to look forward to
i dont see much of a meaning in life now and even if there is, what is it? someone said i would be able to retrieve what i have once lost. yet, what the hell is it. there is no answer so far. and even if im ever able to find it back, would i treasure it more than before. or just let it be and slip away. theres not much of a choice anyway, its neither nor or either or.
the happiness that one is seeking is still very far away. as fragile as crystal, theres not much left really. prayers unheard, frail hopes, wishes dont come true. naive to think that they would, cos what would be real then? one thin line between the truth and the dreams we make up. when theres confusion, both truth and dreams intertwine making everything seem so surreal.
i think the bottom quiz applies to me. good or bad i dont know
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| ice princess |
| 06.19.04 (7:20 am) [edit] |
BEAUTIFUL ICE PRINCESS/PRINCE .You need distance
between you and your partner in your
relationship. You are very difficult to get.
You have big requirements and this one you love
must try hard to get you. But after she/he melt
your heart she/he will be the most happy person
in the world. You need someone who shoes you
that you are special and it makes you feel
good to see that you are loved. She/He shall
know that you could easily get another
girl/boyfriend but you wont as long as you
love him. when she/he hurts you you will hurt
him too, but in general you dont get hurt. If
your partner cheated you ,you would react cold
and immediately (try to) forget him
PLEASE VOTE, I want to know what you think about my
quiz, I worked hard on it.You can always
message me or tell me how I can improve that
quiz. Ill sure write back.
~THE big LOVE TEST!! What do you need? With PICS! For girls and boys!~
brought to you by Quizilla
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| i don't feel any of you |
| 06.16.04 (10:55 pm) [edit] |
there's no cure for the pain
no shelter from the rain
all our prayers seem to fail
in joy and sorrow my hopes in your arms
in a world so hollow its breaking my heart
***
its 1 am now and i've done nothing much so far, but just wasted my whole day away doing nothing. i still have a long long way to go for my behavioural neuroscience exam... about 20 more lectures to go? sigh. i'm so not in the mood to do anything, let alone study.
i seriously don't feel any of you. you, you, you and you. well, if its of any consolation, i will be coming back home on the 23rd, reaching singapore on 24th morning. then again who gives a flying fuck anyway?
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| fragments of me |
| 06.15.04 (7:52 am) [edit] |
10 years ago, I...
1. was in primary 4 at maha bodhi school
2. was super bad at maths and hated it
3. looked like an ugly duckling geek
4. had braces
5. was a bad student
7 years ago, I...
1. almost got transferred to st. nick's or mgs
2. loved my secondary 1 class 1j rocks!
3. was basically a tomboy
4. had most fun in chung cheng =)
5. didn't really have a cca but a mixture of basketball mostly, tennis and guides before i landed in choir thanks to sindy heh
4 years ago, I...
1. was a secondary 4 student at chung cheng main
2. expanded my hatred for a, e maths and science especially physics even more and flunking them whole year round
3. damn shocked and somewhat happy at the great jump in my O'level results especially chinese
4. fell in love with lionel
5. was a rebel
3 years ago, I...
1. was a student at catholic junior college, and i never thought i would say this but those were the best days =)
2. loved my life the most and still a rebel
3. was very close to lionel and still much in love
4. had the most difficult decision to make after j1 but probably it was for the best
5. had surgery on boxing day and having someone special and close friends to visit me =)
A year ago, I...
1. gotten my driving license!
2. was a first year student at melbourne university
3. was very much upset and disappointed over one relationship
4. thought i was never going to love again
5. had an additional of 2 ear piercings totalling 7 ear holes in all
This year, I...
1. had a wonderful summer break thanks to my 2 girlies =)
2. liked someone new though not anymore
3. am still trying to find meaning in my life
4. was surprised and probably touched by someone
5. am going to try my best to be a good student heh
Yesterday, I...
1. stayed at home and tried to do my sociology essay after much procrastinating
2. slept for almost the whole day
3. had a really boring day
4. felt tired and restless
5. had an urge to pierce my ears again
Today, I...
1. slept at 6 something in the morning and submitted my essay
2. went out with fang, got drenched in the rain and had yummy claypot rice =)
3. paid 41 bucks more to shorten my brisbane trip
4. tried to study behavioural neuroscience
5. saw my levis 608 but it wasn't my size =(
Tomorrow, I...
1. am going to study more behavioural neuroscience =(
2. am going to cook curry with fang!
3. will try to wake up earlier
4. am going to call back home
5. will study harder
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| and i don't know why |
| 06.14.04 (7:11 am) [edit] |
i'm sorry but i think i'm still in love with you
***
its 4.37 am now, funny that i'm not feeling sleepy yet. i'm left with the last bit of my essay. still have about 400 more words to go.
you'll never know what may happen next. maybe i change so often in my perception of things around me that nothing ever stays the same for very long. its this instability that i have in me. sometimes i alter my views and feelings so quickly on events that have happened that it leaves me feeling scared. some things have happened, and as i step out of the square and look, i realize how different i feel about the things now than what i used to feel about back then. how strange. i often wonder why myself.
maybe i could watch the sunrise later by the time i'm done with my essay. it could be nice. i never watched sunrise here before, wonder how it feels like. theres dead silence around me now. so quiet and peaceful that it feels... calm. sort of.
i'm so looking forward to later
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| - |
| 06.13.04 (3:42 am) [edit] |
and when we meet
i'm sure we will
all that was there will be there still
i'll let it pass and hold my tongue
and you will think
that i've moved on
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| hmmm... |
| 06.12.04 (3:58 am) [edit] |
You have a heartsick soul! Youre the type of girl
who always has a crush and is writing their
name on all your books. You are a hopeless
romantic. Waiting for that prince charming, you
take love seriously, but still play any chance
you get. You can have a lot if boys who are
friends, but waiting for that perfect
boyfriend. Sometimes you are discouraged
because there are no sparks but even if the
smallest thing happens, youre on Cloud 9. You
believe in true love and wait for it. Just dont
be afraid to take a chance. Love is all about
risks.
What Kind of SOUL do you posses? (For Girls only) Incredible Anime Pictures!
brought to you by Quizilla
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| i feel... |
| 06.11.04 (6:58 am) [edit] |
i havent done any work and its almost 1 am sigh i feel really weird now it seems all so familiar the matters of the heart are always so hard to explain and understand it always ends up in tears
tomorrow will just be another day everyday seems to be the same i wake up feeling exactly the same as i felt yesterday and the day before that i dont know why but time seems to be moving fast yet it also seems to have stopped
fallen apart drifting further and further away like never before im so lonely without you here like a bird without a song tell me baby where did i go wrong nothing can take away these blues nothing compares to you
nothing compares to you
i guess i will never understand feeling so fed up going to sleep now im so damn tired good night
***
im feeling so disintegrated
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| its friday yeeeeaaaahhhhh |
| 06.11.04 (4:05 am) [edit] |
the worst is over! goodbye quantitative methods kiss my ass and i hope never to see you ever again till next year. was flipping through like almost all of my lectures last night, hence only had three hours plus of sleep. it was mad. i am feeling so groggy now. heh. at least its over and done with. hope i pass it though, otherwise big trouble. and hey i don't ever wanna redo it again. stupid stats. two exams down... one more to go. yay. gonna have to start doing my sociology essay soon. but i'm procrastinating right now... don't really feel like doing any work after the exams. ahhh yeah soon.
i watched harry potter today! this movie rocks woohoo. its so fun to watch. harry potter looks so cute now haha. i think j.k. rowling's prisoner of azkaban is one of her best books out of the five so far. i like this one. had a little retail therapy today too. grins* got myself a pair of jeans. yay. new loose jeans. i like. ohhhh i so want a levis 608... booooooo... they don't have it in myer or just jeans. bah. my levis 608... 608. its the loose type too. i love loose jeans haha. heh. walked about in the city for quite awhile after the movie. seems like i've been missing out on alot. haha. everyday cooped in my room studying and studying. how boring. finally feeling a tad free today and i love this feeling man. i'll be like alot happier after the 15th, when my essay is due. okay, but i'm happy now.
there are so many new movies that i wanna watch. raising helen, dawn of the dead, the prince and me mmm what else? oh yeah spiderman but its not out yet. i sooo don't wanna do my essay... ahhhhhh!!!! and yeah, i'll sleep early tonight. haven't slept before 4 am for sooooo long, wonder if i'm able to fall asleep before that. heh... the library sent me soooo many emails about the books i've borrowed. its due on the 15th. heh... please for goodness sake, who would want to steal your musky smelly oldoldolddddd books man. most of them are so freaking old that they're even older than me. definitely not me.
okay... i'm feeling so bored now... sheesh. so many books to read for the essay... boohoo =(
***
its getting bad... haven't even started work yet. ahhh i'm so bored...
***
i'm still here almost two hours later... sigh. the tiredness is sinking in, but i can't stop myself from thinking about you. especially for these few weeks. i ask myself why... and up to now, i'm still unable to come up with an answer to my question. i don't know why but i miss you so much... i guess you will never know
maybe we're just not meant to be
i should really go get some work done now
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| stats is disgusting |
| 06.09.04 (6:31 am) [edit] |
i think sleeping after 4am for the past 2 weeks have drained my energy level. its wearing me out. took a nap just now... woah. feeling really tired now. last minute cramming... sigh. what to do when there is so much work to be done? hopefully it would be better after friday. statistics is such a bore. i hate stats.
i can't believe how time really flies... it seems that i've been lagging behind time. i feel like i'm still living in the past when its actually year 2004 now. or maybe i'm getting all woozy with the lack of sleep. heh. i guess when certain things are lost, they can never be recovered... sigh. i miss the good old times so much.
i love the song kiss the rain by billie myers. its one of my all time favourite.
i think this whole entry makes no sense at all
***
i am still living in my past
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| one exam down |
| 06.08.04 (11:48 pm) [edit] |
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! !!! i just finished my developmental psychology exam today!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOT!! one paper down... 2 more to go and... an essay. heh. the exam was ok i guess... hope i crapped the right stuff though. i couldn't finish the essay questions. bah. we had 30 mcqs and 2 essay questions. booooo. they just changed the format, it used to be mcqs only. i was feeling so super stressed yesterday. sigh. so much so that i msged a friend, whom i have not msged in a super long time. i don't know whether its good or bad but i actually felt safe for once in quite awhile... i'm so tired too ahhh. was actually damn worried about todays exam, then my friend called yesterday and she was crying on the phone. was so shocked and i was quite affected by it. balls. its so cold today. brrr
gonna mug like crazy for my fridays exam... statistics!! @#$$%%&****!!!! GRRRRR to QUANTITATIVE METHODS!!!!! shit. i am so damn unprepared for that exam... guess not gonna have much sleep for tonight and tomorrow. sigh. whats worse... the stupid paper's in the morning. argh. and its 3 hours and 15 minutes. hahaha. dang. i'm going mad.
ohhhh by the way, my dear friends, i'm gonna watch harry potter on friday =) haha. i think i need that break.
people people! i know that i've only finished one paper but i can't wait to be back home! mmm its in less than three weeks! YAY =)
***
by the way... JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE and CAMERON DIAZ are IN MELBOURNE NOWWWWW... they just arrived here today. mr timberlake's concert is tomorrow or friday i think.
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| bored |
| 06.07.04 (10:56 pm) [edit] |
SELENE: You are selene!
Beautiful, vivacious,
fierce and seductive, Selene vowed she would
destroy Lycans after her family was murdered by
the werewolves. So ruthless is she that selene
is a member of the Death Dealers. This elite
Vampire warrior class's mission is to make the
Lycans extinct.
Ever wish you could be a
vampire?
Which UNDERWORLD character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
heh. i stole this quiz from jw's blog. i never watched underworld cos of time constraints and i bloody want to watch it.
***
for the tears i've cried
through the years i tried
there's only you on my mind
these words you will never know
from me to you
i miss you so
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| without a choice |
| 06.07.04 (5:41 am) [edit] |
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its killing me softly
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| a little hope goes up in smoke |
| 06.06.04 (10:53 pm) [edit] |
i'm still wondering why i can't get you out of my head... you are there everywhere i go. and i can't help myself from thinking about all the what ifs and whats going to be if we have done this instead of that. its been so long, but these memories seem so real and new. i question myself all day long, just to reach an open ended conclusion. i have searched for these answers for so long that it feels that it is impossible to reach to a designated end. but why...? i never knew and still don't know why some things have happened.
they say things happen for a reason. so whats the reason for this?
searching high and low for answers that i want to know, only to find myself embedded with more questions. nobody can help me. i am so confused. maybe i'm too stubborn to accept the truth. but the more questions that resurface, the more i want to look for answers. and the more i search through these fragmented pieces of you and me, the more i see the pains embedded within it. have you become such a part of me that i keep deep within me? not even you my friend, can provide me with the answers that i have questioned you.
all you told me was not to confuse you. but are you confused just because you cannot be bothered to search for the answers... you gave up because it is easier to say, "i give up" rather than continuing to search yourself for the truth.
i, on the other hand, have given up. yet, i dug it out again to search for more solutions. i don't know why. this stubborness in me is hard to get rid of. but hope has died, prayers weren't heard. frail hopes, crumbles into dust.
people always take the easy way out. saying i give up is alot easier than fighting on. its so difficult yet i am holding on. what am i hoping for? i'm not sure. you've lost that feeling, so have i. but theres this little part of me that still ponders... what if...?
cos i don't know what it would bring and what i really want, it only comes naturally to say, "i give up." i am just like you and any other, i take the easy way out.
i am feeling so tired
***
though i'm not supposed to do this anymore, i miss you more than i can ever describe it
sigh
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| stuck on you |
| 06.06.04 (9:30 am) [edit] |
i know its really not the time to think about this now, since its the exams anyway, but hey, the winter holidays are coming soon! so much for that exclamation mark. i'm so not looking forward to the holidays cos it means that exams are here. but i'm quite sure that i would be feeling all happy and fine when its over... that is till the results are out. ahhhh okay.
i probably shouldn't have gotten all rash about certain things. i think i'm generally quite a jump-into-conclusion kind of person without being bothered to go through all that nitty gritty stuff, just cos i am impatient. if thats the thing i want to do, OK i will do it. and bang. i did it. when i'm impatient, i don't think properly, like what sort of consequences would turn out and the after effects of it. for example, what would i get out of doing that? like when i'm all excited about a certain thing, i would do dumb things at that spur of the moment. well, not really dumb, but like i've said before, not thinking about the consequences that my actions would bring.
its just like saying, "oh i'm on a diet." and eat like there's no tomorrow just because you are hungry. right after that meal, you regret lots, and probably get pissed with yourself because you broke the diet. doing things without control and thinking about after effects.
all for that moment or anticipation that it may bring?
one thing leads to another. sometimes when you think you are doing the right thing, you just go ahead and act on it without thinking further. like nike's slogan, just do it. perhaps you thought that it would bring good results by doing that very thing. maybe some things may change for the better. but you are only speculating, so its just a fifty-fifty chance of good things happening. the other half goes down to the bad things. we are young, so take the chance! ... not.
failure in getting what you thought you would get. the type of consequence that you were not expecting, or desire as a matter of a fact. so feel sad about it, cry over it, or be angry with yourself?
you regret. a little late for that.
but what to do when you have already done it, and that thing is irreversible. too late to think what may be or would have been. but, it was a fifty-fifty chance. in this case, it didn't turn out to be the desirable way. i am stuck with it now. i can't go either way, yes or no. just yes all the way. unless the impossible turns out to be the possible. but assumption's over and gone, i got the answer to my question.
the excitement has died. the anticipation is over. i'm now back down to being "normal" again. looking back on what i have done... how silly. or maybe not. probably i was just hoping it would turn out to be something great.
hoping and wishing. hoped and wished. how silly
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| why? |
| 06.04.04 (7:54 am) [edit] |
i don't know why but i'm missing someone... i think of that person everytime and in everything i do... and its killing me inside... sigh how i wish i was still 16
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| tired tired tired |
| 06.03.04 (6:44 am) [edit] |
hello hello my friends. i just moved in yesterday. most of my stuff are in place, just some random boxes and luggages here and there. its a pretty nice place... will take some pictures soon. would like to thank the people who helped me move and unpack yesterday. BIG THANKS to: SINDY, VERA, NICOLE, FANG and DAWN!!! really appreciate your help... if not i'll be so dead hehe. oh ya, and thanks fang and dawn for inviting me over for dinner. its soooo delicious =). by the way, i'm using prepaid internet now, which is super expensive and ridiculous... but... it should be ok short term wise.
studying wise... not too good... oh wells, will try my best... i'm feeling sooo tired... especially for the past few days and today... napped today. heh. and i got an extension for my sociology essay which is due on 10th... now i have till the 15th. my lecturer's a real nice guy hehe. i just told him that i moved house and am afraid that i can't cope with it and he just gave me an extension. he even asked me how long i need to finish it. and he's damn cute too... ahh... i think sindy agrees with me ya... haha. hehe thanks sindy for accompanying me to get an extension and coming up with the whole lot of excuses ah... =)
hmmm... my ticket back to sg is still on the waiting list... hopefully can get back on the 26th... i miss home so much =( can't wait to get back and shop, watch movies, bum and do nothing... oh ya... and DRIVE. and... EAT. i called home just now and my mummy said daddy told her he's going to bring me to malacca to eat when i'm back. HEHE. =) yay.
okay... i better get back to studying... so boring and stressed... but what to do? take care ok people... missing all of you back at home especially my two girlfriends... you know who you are =)
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| broken hearts |
| 05.31.04 (8:19 am) [edit] |
i wish some things never change. when the tough gets going and there are so many major changes going on in life, what you really don't need is anymore changes in the things that you have become so familiar with. then when it alters, it just hits you and you start to realize how much it really meant to you. the very thing that you have taken granted for and become so comfortable with it has become such a routine in your life. and without it, you can never imagine you could carry on all by yourself.
when i first came to australia to further my studies, i suddenly realized that i have taken so many things for granted. family, friends, all the pretty things that i used to have. it all seemed so easy back then. so pure and innocent and simple. everything's just laid out nicely back at home, without worrying about what and how to cook, do grocery shopping and the works. and having to start making new friends all over again. suddenly it felt like the first day of primary school, secondary one and jc. you know, that first shy and awkward day where you don't know anybody and nobody really knows you. having to socialize in quite a different type of environment, in a foreign country all alone. it all seemed too much all at once.
once the rose tinted glasses were taken off, for that very moment, then you know how much you treasure what you had before. nothing's ever easy, nobody said it was going to be. time goes by, things change even if you didn't want it to. every half a year while i'm back at home, i see so many changes in people i thought i knew so well. each time that person changes, it would only break my heart more so often. person, people. people change. i don't deny that i myself have changed. maybe, i don't know. it really hurts to see some of the things i have seen. and i thought i knew them like the back of my hand. back then maybe, but not anymore.
somehow i have become more cynical when it comes to certain things, such as human relations. distance kills relationships. it really takes alot of hard work to keep one going. so far, some have failed. i don't know whether that they have failed me or its i who have failed them. or probably both sides. "i'll see you in another 6 months' time! take care" i miss those days when people were just a phonecall away, a few stops away, an sms away. it all seemed so simple. it takes two hands to clap. somehow after being let down, i may have taken on the heck-wth attitude. then maybe it wouldn't get to me as much.
frail fragile heart made of crystal, once broken is hard to mend.
now dwindled to nothing in its present state, its just like you have nobody to turn to whenever you feel the need to. i used to have that comfort zone, where i would run to whenever something bad happens. it made me feel safe, but somethings change... i guess. and its not up to you really. maybe fate ran off, leaving two people who had something special down to nothing. maybe i got too comfortable with it and started to take the person for granted. there are so many maybes and what ifs. but what does it truly mean and a question that so many of us ask ourselves all the time, why?
why? its tearing me up.
those were the days of our glory, happiness and eternal sunshine
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| hello june goodbye may |
| 05.31.04 (5:25 am) [edit] |
hello just felt like dropping by. went library and finished 1 reading, but hey nothing went in. after that went to get my keys. yay. the previous owner left quite alot of her stuff. omg. let me tell you what she left behind... a full length mirror, a stand up fan, a bean bag, carpets in the toilet, milk, cheese, jam, wall clock, some decor stuff, cable for internet which i already have... aroma therapy thing... you know the one you put a candle at the bottom of this nice looking pot? hmmm what else... yeah and laundry basket, dish washing liquid... gosh! but then again, i feel quite uncomfortable using a stranger's stuff... ahh... think the food would be like thrown away... don't think i'll be using the laundry basket either... and the mirror... is not the cheapo type... man it just feels weird. ahh oh wells, just see how it goes.
my present room is in a whole mess right now. everything's all over the place. still have quite a bit left to pack. throwing some old readers away... don't think i'll be using them anymore anyways. oh man... i think i'm gonna miss staying here in some ways. its been one and a half years. well, almost spent half of my degree living here. i would miss staying in the bustling city. its just so convenient heh. okay, but i don't think it would be that bad. hopefully. tomorrow's my last day here, gonna move on wednesday. its gonna be really tiring.
hmmm hopefully can get my internet up and running real soon... by thursday i hope. fingers crossed. otherwise i would be so freaking bored... no tv! argh. but fang said they would be putting in tvs and dvd players in semester 2. yay. greeeeeaaaat. its the exams now anywayssssssss. so no tv =( internet's gonna be cut off tomorrow... ahhh. so sian. australian idol contestant, robert mills had an autograph session in the city hmv today. i passed by but i only saw the mc speaking heh.
i miss home... sigh. i want to go home now. think i made a mistake somewhere in the past few weeks. but nevermind, i'm sort of stuck with it now. just feel quite awkward. i'm feeling a little better compared to the past few days... it was really bad... just don't know what the hell i was thinking... was feeling all so depressed about anything and everything. its the last day of may... how time flies.
***
i want to be happy. i want to be free. i want to be more patient. i want to be someone's best friend. i want to be more even-tempered and less angry. i want to be there whenever someone's feeling down. i want to be more serious and giving. i want to smile and be free of worries. i want to be more understanding. i want to be strong. i want you to be happy. i want to love. i want to be so much more
i miss so many things that were once part of me
everything happens for a reason, even if it means taking away someone or things that you love and cherish dearly. maybe in time i would understand.
gloria estefan - here we are
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| deliciously ugly |
| 05.30.04 (4:13 am) [edit] |
whatever it is i don't want to know i don't want to understand don't tell me don't remind me don't even ask me you don't even know me i refuse to believe it i don't want to think about it fullstop
don't jump into conclusions and assume what you think it is is what you really are thinking about
uh-oh i'm in self denial again
***
by the way, H.I.M. rocks.
in case you were wondering, H.I.M. stands for His Infernal Majesty.
***
yayyyyy finally finished the epilepsy assignment, which almost lead me into having epilepsy while doing it heh. one more essay to go... plus 3 exams... preparation's like shit. argh. getting keys to new apartment tomorrow. wooot. haven't really packed... ahh have soo many books. its gonna be quite heavy to carry up the stairs... yes no lift. bah. there's so many things that i'm looking forward to and not looking forward to. ie. june.
listening to the darkness now. didn't really like the sounds of it when i first listened to it. but its growing on me. its damn cool. haha. it rocks too. you've gotta listen to givin' up... "ohhhh ohhh ohhhh ohhh ohhh ohhhh ohhhhh givin' up givin' up givin' a fuccckkkkk!"
going library tomorrow... sigh. hopefully can get quite alot done... i'm lagging behind... like realllyyy faaaarrrrrr back. last day of may already... how time flies. D day is arriving very soon before you know it, its there staring right in at your face.
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my adopted character from happy tree friends
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